Sometimes I wonder if I’m in over my head. I mean, I seem to be handling it all well, but sometimes…I wonder if I’m in over my head.

To divulge without…divulging that’s the question I seemingly have. I wanna share it….no that’s a lie. I don’t wanna share it. I wanna take this to my grave. Not allow anyone else to have knowledge of this thing. I call it a thing because there’s no other way to describe it. Never really wanted to put a label on it. Descriptive adjectives can sometimes pigeonhole things that should remain fluid. This…this right here, is fluid. Or at least that’s what I feel…or maybe it’s what I keep telling myself.

I may be in over my head.

At times I wonder if he notices how I’m managing it all. Work, my life, family life, spiritual life…our life. Noticed I’ve become slightly detached. Wonder if he senses that, although I doubt it because things are moving seemingly well. I knew I could be that person, I just didn’t realize how much I craved it.

My mind is racing.

Black and white scenes constantly flash across my eyes. Most of it’s blurry. Sometimes it’s…images…snapshots of moments captured in my mind. A file saved. Sometimes I scroll through it just to relive…that time and space. Caveats I remember that were unnoticeable. I’m such a girl with it, but I hide it so well. Or at least I think I do. I doubt he notices. Do I want him to notice? Not that in particular, but me…sometimes. Although I know it’s not like that. I still think that’s the girl in me…I still think I hide it pretty well.

Maybe I’m purposely naive.

Is wrong of me to want it all? To be the “chosen” one? I ponder a lot. I ponder about my behavior, wondering if it’s an act of desperation that I’m engaging in such a feat. I ponder if my wanting to maintain it all is a sign of loneliness. I’ve learned that unsettled emotions can make us act in ways that are seemingly out of character. I ponder on whether I’ve reached that point. I mean it’s all snugs and knoodles when we’re together…at least that’s my viewpoint. It seems right, but I ponder on whether this is totally wrong…if I’m playing myself. I don’t think he cares…or should I say, even thought that far.

Contemplative.

I’m just afraid to ask. I’m afraid to ask, because if I do, if I reach that far; there’s no going back. When you reach, you have to grab what’s there. It’s like the carnival game where you try to maneuver the robotic handle to get your favorite toy. You see it, you keep maneuvering the robotic handle to reach and grab your fave, and just when you think you’ve got it…you pull up the handle to realize it’s nothing but a mere clear eggshell with the faux ring and earrings. Who in the hell wants that!?

Make sense?

Maybe I really am over my head…

to be continued…

VaughnySweet