Dear NWSO,
I have a very serious concern that I’m hoping you could give me some advice on. I’ve been engaged to a guy for three months and we dated seriously six months before that. We’re both in our late twenties. In this time, he rarely initiates sex and usual that’s only because I’ve questioned what the problem is. Usually, when he does initiate, he’s been drinking. When I try to initiate, it doesn’t work. He says he’s tired or stressed or he doesn’t want my roommates or his roommates to hear or that it’s not the right mood/moment… There’s always an excuse.
At first I tried not to complain thinking maybe he just has a lot on his mind (job/family stress) but I’ve noticed things that are very different from any other guy I’ve ever been with. I find myself attractive and always have a lot of male admirers. In my previous relationships I got lots and lots of positive feedback about how I look, how I feel, how I taste and the sexual experience overall (all compliments to my vajayjay, as well). I rarely ever had to think about initiating in my past relationships but my fiancé once accused me of being obsessed with sex, as in “that’s all you think about.”
We don’t live together, we sleep over four-five times a week half naked, we’ve been together nine months, and we barely do it. When I ask him if he gets turned on by me, he says he does but doesn’t elaborate with words or action. He doesn’t seem interested in touching me below the belt or even really looking down there, he makes excuses for not being intimate and claims to simply have a low sex drive.
The times he does initiate, there’s no foreplay. He’s not been romantic/passionate in bed and never tries to just feel on and enjoy my body. If he grabs my butt or touches my breasts as foreplay it’s usually because I asked for it and it doesn’t seem like he genuinely wants to touch them or likes how they feel. He never puts my breasts in his mouth. He has only touched my vajayjay or given me oral about four times, all in the beginning of the relationship. He doesn’t even go down and look at my vajayjay—ever. Finally, sex is usually over in 5-10 minutes and when he’s done, that’s it. On top of barely ever getting any, there have been plenty of occasions while we are in the middle of having intercourse he’s asked me get up and start giving him oral.
It hurts that my own fiancé doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’m hoping maybe something else can explain this behavior, like sex anxiety but I know he’s been with several woman before me (both girlfriends, “buddies”, and one-nighters). I don’t think he’s cheating. He’s a “manly guy,” doesn’t like chick flicks, loves sports, and isn’t into metrosexual stuff but I’m starting to think he doesn’t really like women. I know he’s always wanted a family and he’s a good boyfriend/fiancé but I’m worried I’m going to marry a man, dedicate my life to him, and years later find out that he’s gay or something. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I can’t just approach him and ask, “Are you gay?”
I can’t freely ask guys we know about this issue and wanted a serious opinion about if I’m overreacting or being shallow. Also, what is a good way to approach the conversation where he won’t be offended/hurt if he’s not gay or where he will be honest if he is gay?
Signed,
Already In Love
Dear Already In Love,
Before I even dig in I have to ask one thing: Are you in love with this man? I hope so and you didn’t just say yes to say yes, because there are some women so caught up in the idea of getting married that they accept without really thinking it out. But, for argument’s sake, I’ll assume that you do love him.
I’ll also assume that he does because y’all only dated for six months before he asked you so there had to be some emotional connection there for him to ask and for you to accept, right? Most men aren’t in a rush to get married so the fact (I assume) he asked you to be his wife should mean something. I doubt you were pressuring him for a ring after six months so again that leads me to believe he does care for you and that’s not the problem here.
From what you’ve written, though, the physical issues don’t sound like a new problem but something that’s been going on for a minute. If you love this man and are looking to spend the rest of your life with him I’m curious as to why this wasn’t addressed and ultimately resolved earlier, especially if you plan on this being your partner for the rest of your life.
While sex isn’t everything it is a big part of a healthy relationship and your physical needs need to be addressed. In fact, if it’s been an issue from jump you should have addressed that before even accepting the proposal. It’s not like a ring is going to make him a better lover; nothing’s going to change until y’all talk about it. The problem is how does that conversation start without bruising his fragile male ego?
Well, let me tell you what I think the issue is and it’s not that he’s gay (why is that the first thing a woman things? SMH). It could be a couple things besides that. I know it’s hard to believe but some men actually do have low sex drives just like some women do. You said it yourself that he’s never been the “oversexed” type, so it’s not like he changed suddenly. It sounds like he’s never been a sexual individual throughout your nine months of dating.
Again, if that’s who he is sexually and his low sex drive is a problem for you, you need to talk about that before walking down the aisle because otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a physically unsatisfying future. If you’re willing to deal with his lower sex drive because the love between y’all is that strong than more power to you, but if not you have some heavy thinking to do.
If it’s not a low sex drive then it could really be stress and/or family issues but what I really think it could be is an erectile dysfunction. If that’s the case and he’s having trouble keeping it up the last thing he’s going to want to do is initiate sex only to fail to perform. That’s beyond embarrassing and being that y’all are young he probably doesn’t even want to talk about it—to you or anyone else. The reason I think it might be that is because of him only initiating sex when he’s drunk or asking for head in the middle of the action. Both sounds like tricks to stay hard to me. But I don’t know the specifics of your bedroom activities other than what you laid out so that’s just a hunch.
CLICK HERE for a post I did with tips on dealing with erectile dysfunction.
Aside from that what y’all need to do, especially as a couple headed towards marriage, is talk. If you can’t talk about your sex life, which should be an expression of your love, than how will you be able to make this marriage work? The only tricky part is bringing this up and not attacking him or making him feel more ashamed/awkward about whatever his issue is—which is still doubt is that he’s gay. SMH.
One way is maybe after the next time you actually have sex and are in afterglow (hopefully) you can segue into the discussion, like, “That was great, I liked when you did this, it would have driven me wild if you kept doing this or then did that…” You know, use positive reinforcement to critique subtly and the power of suggestion. If that’s not applicable just use that intimate time or any other to speak honestly. Again, be supportive and mindful of how this issue—whatever it is—may make him feel inadequate and if done incorrectly could make him defensive and then you’re back to square one.
Whatever the case you don’t sound like a woman that can see yourself stuck in a lackluster sexual relationship. Be honest with yourself about that and with him. You don’t have to make ultimatums (because those rarely work) but express how this issue effects your happiness and gives you doubts about the next 40+ years together. It’s going to be tough but this convo needs to happen sooner than later and definitely way before you actually walk down the aisle because by then it’ll be too late.
Good luck and I hope this helped.
Do you think six months of dating is too soon to get engaged? Would get engaged to someone that didn’t sexually satisfy you? How would you address the issue? Do you believe that some women are so focused on getting married that they say yes without even being in love? Do you find it hard to believe that a man can have a low sex drive? Can a woman’s ego handle that? Why is a woman’s first thought that a man his gay because he doesn’t want to have sex with her? Do you agree with my assessment that this man may have an erectile dysfunction? Would most women be understanding of that issue? Do you think she should have accepted his proposal? What advice would you give this woman?
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