“What are you bringing to the table?”
Bringing back traditional values to the modern get-down
Words: Antoine Kinch
What have you done for me lately? This is the 1986 single from Janet Jackson’s third album Control. I think that this is a funny paradigm in that 20 years later it would be the song sung by many the modern twenty or thirty something males to the single females trying to gain just that – Control.
In a previous article, my counterpart Jessica Jones tells men to “Come Correctly” when trying to “holla” at an unsuspecting female. Ok, well to join her – Let’s also be real (I’ll give you some insight). It is not always about saying the right thing or coming up with the right “line” to say to the right female. Jessica said it best: “She knows if she wants to pursue you almost instantaneously “, so sometimes it does not even matter what you say. Sometimes saying nothing at all and ignoring her is your best bet! When it comes to the traditional game of “cat and mouse” in modern times some rules have changed and some have not.
This formula remains: Men chase, Women choose.
Gentlemen: Remember that junior high school dance when you wanted to dance with the most popular girl in school and she danced with another guy? The Valentines gift that you got for an unsuspecting sweetheart that she ignored? The girl that you met in the mall that gave you the wrong number? The cutie at the club that said she did not give her phone number out, so she took yours instead and never called? Or the sexy professional that gave you her business card but was so busy she could not hold a phone conversation only text you from a meeting an “LOL” here or an “LMAO” there? From an early age we are trained from this learned behavior to accept rejection and keep it moving.
We have an unspoken advantage. A quality that many women lack – Resilience. It is a numbers game. It may be cliché but, “ if at first you don’t succeed, try try again” (not necessarily with the same one though!) Do women really think that educated, eligible bachelors are ignorant to the fact that we are in high demand and in short supply? Realistically, we have choice not chance on our side. Over the years men have gotten better at the game from listening to women say that all the “good” men are either in jail, uneducated, broke, trifling or gay. NOT SO! We are just not that into YOU!
The man you are looking for is out there. Let me help some of my sistas out by letting you know some simple things that will separate you from the pack. These are “factors” if you will that today’s man can appreciate when you converse with him. The crazy thing is that most of you already know these things; you have just gotten so independent in your ways that you may have forgotten or ignored some traditional values.
CAN YOU COOK?
What happened to the saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”? Have you learned nothing from the movie –“ Lady in the Tramp”? Even a dog without a collar knows where to get a good cooked meal. He may roam for a few days, but he knows his way home. If my mom can get me to drive home from Philadelphia to NY (2Hrs each way) for a plate, just imagine the possibilities. A lot of the new modern independent women have lost touch with this simple and most important value. It says a lot in your conversation when this question is brought to the table. It can tell us: 1) what your upbringing was like, 2) what are your dietary likes / dislikes or 3) concerns are (McDonalds again?) 4) culture (italian, mexican, west Indian, soul food ) 5) Can you do more than make “reservations”? 6) Financial situation (eating out all the time) 7) Will my kids starve? MEN LOVE A HOME COOKED MEAL! Now, we are not saying that you have to be big momma or mammie in the kitchen with the apron and the head tie, but after working hard to bring home the bacon, can you fry it up in the pan? Get your Williams-Sonoma game up!!
PRETTY DUNCE
Can you hold an intellectual conversation? And no I do not mean, “What’s your favorite video on 106 and Park? When politics are discussed or the current state of the Euro vs. The Dollar or Global Warming or the Elections, do you turn your head and look out the window or quickly change the subject? These women wonder why the thugs with gold teeth or the dudes with 5 baby mamas keep hollering at them. The answer is simple, you are a trophy. A lot of women pride themselves in the way they look (eye candy), what they can put down in the bedroom, or how to please a man physically and often do not concentrate on how to stimulate the other major muscle – the brain. Please, we beg of you – tell us something we don’t know, put me on to something, and teach me something new. Stay up to date with current affairs, and not just the latest on Britney Spears, and we might have something to talk about over the expensive dinner that I pay for, since you can’t cook….
DUTCH CHOCOLATE
While we are on the subject of money, it is no secret that women are attracted to men with money, no matter what they look like. Most are looking for security and a good life. Times are different now though. Women are better educated, make just as much if not more money, make moves and do big things. They get married later, and enjoy their single lives. They even play the field. So, why are we still paying for everything? Why are we not considered gentlemen or called cheap if we don’t break the bank to take women to the latest hot spot to impress them? Ladies, you can help yourselves. Try going Dutch sometime. It is only fair right? Invest in your experiences, it will help alleviate tension, lower expectations, and it might actually earn you points. It is a wonderful feeling when the financial burden of a “good” time is not all on us. One of the worst things a man can feel is getting beat twice in the same night (spend money, and get no R.O.I in terms of affection.) Unfortunately, some women use men for their money and you can also eliminate this accusation and classification (Now, I aint saying she a goldigger but..…) by doing your part. Chivalry is not dead, we can open doors, pull out chairs, stand when a woman enters a room, and walk on the right side of the street but when you walk her to the door and you get a kiss on the cheek or the “booty-out” hug? (You know the pat on the back hug where her booty is poked way out, so that your stomach or pelvis does not touch his?) you feel like a fool. You have to pay to play.
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Simply put: Be down to earth. Impressions can be very close to reality. That stuck up, bourgeois, spoiled chick attitude is not cute and the ghetto, loud, animated ignorant (snapping fingers) attitude will only get you leftovers and phone calls after 11pm. I don’t care what type of fashion labels you wear, what celebrity you know, what type of car you drive (if you drive at all), where you went with your girls on your last getaway or how much money you have. You should not have to “sell” me on what you are or who. Experience teaches a lot, and men who have had dates that have ranged from the professional to the hood rats (doing hair, hustling real estate, or stripping to pay their way through school), quickly learn that women can all be beautiful or ugly on the inside no matter what they look like on the outside. Be careful about the presentation, who and what I see when I see you. It will be revealed to me in time. You might want to do some internal house keeping before you are quick to say how a man needs to approach you.
SPARE CHANGE
A man can tell one woman one thing and have it retain the intended meaning. He can then turn around and tell a different woman the same exact thing and the meaning change. What part of “I am not interested in a deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship did you not understand? Don’t pressure a man for a relationship or marriage. This is not a good way to get what you want. Don’t date a man for several months, and build up in your mind that after you reach certain “milestones” that he will change his mind about you and then want to be a part of a new relationship. Chances are unless he verbalizes it on his own, he is content with things the way they are. Most men are creatures of habit and rarely change things on their own unless they are forced. Be honest with him and yourself. If it aint broke, don’t fix it, unless there is a need that is obvious to BOTH of you.
TRUE REFLECTION
Human: the very definition of this word is to walk in the image of God and to be susceptible to weakness. I have heard Black women describe Black men as a weakness and Black women have definitely been a weakness for me (I am a Black Man). One of the most obvious areas in our community that need healing is in the relationship between Black men and Black women. Currently there is a basic distrust of brothers by Black women, and too many brothers approach dealing with Black women with a “pimp or die” mentality after years of playing this numbers game. Without further vilifying black men or victimizing black women I will simply conclude this article by saying that ultimately the interactions between the two from a mans perspective (and inner workings) are more about a mans discovery with himself than about the relationship with the woman.
As men it is our responsibility to be uncompromisingly open and honest with the women in our lives. Sometimes the ones that we pursue make it difficult for us to be honest by applying pressure for us to move in directions that we are not ready for. We must be honest about the type of man that we truly are, what we want and where we are in our development in life and what we can and cannot offer a woman at that time. This begins by being honest with ourselves. Women must also be honest about themselves and what they want and what they are able to bring to the table. We as men cannot live beneath our expectations of manhood and we must position ourselves to provide for our families and ourselves. Traditional values. This means being able to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually. That is God’s charge to us as men and nothing short of that is acceptable.
